Why is the second year harder?

I don’t know why. There may not BE an answer. My ex moved out last year. I was heartbroken, and I’d cry, and then I’d get angry, and use the anger to go get stuff done, like heavy gym workouts. It slowly started getting better, and then around the one-year mark, it all intensified again, and then turned into depression. Numbness. Apathy. No motivation or energy to do anything.

I don’t know what to do with this. Anger I can use. This just means none of my shit gets done and the dishes and the chores and the mail and the bills pile up, the list gets longer and longer, and I don’t have the energy to do any of it. I feel trapped in my own head, even communicating with others becomes difficult sometimes. Yes, I have medications for both anxiety and depression. They only go so far and don’t do your emotional work for you. I’d almost bring back the days when I could just cry it out and feel better, instead of it being a constant dull roar in the back of my head.

Last night I slept from when I got off work til when it was time to start work this morning. Today I’m at work and listening to a guided meditation on repeat. I spend a lot of time being mindful, observing my thoughts and feelings, letting them say their piece and then letting them go. It takes a lot of time and energy, though, and I often get impatient with the process, but there’s no shortcut.

To be honest, though, I’ve been through three big mind-fucks in the last few years, and divorce is only one of them. Leaving the lds church and getting diagnosed with ADHD (and realizing it touches EVERYTHING in my life) are the other two. My world has changed so quickly and completely that I barely recognize it, I feel like a stranger in my own life, and I think something inside was waiting for it to revert to “normal”, and has finally given up hope because it’s been a long time now. This is what is. There is nothing to do but accept it. Only then can I do anything ABOUT it. And don’t get me wrong, I have fun times too, really fun times sometimes – but the depression is always waiting right around the corner when I’m done.

I have medication for ADHD now that I’m acclimating to, so that’s good.

I am also painfully, painfully aware that I used my dating relationships and my relationship with God as crutches, that I didn’t learn to self-validate, that I am woefully unprepared for “adulting”. I have made strides and learned a lot in the last year, and I’m still here, so that’s good, but the list of things to do is always so long, and my energy is always so limited.

I’m trying to rewrite my internal script and learn to trust my own decisions, not be so scared of everything, but it’s going to take time to rewrite the ingrained, negative thoughts that were repeated so many thousands of times. It takes work, emotional work, a shit-ton of it, and sometimes I just don’t want to have patience in the process anymore.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post, it’s part self-discovery, part just sending my thoughts into the void, part putting them down somewhere where someone else might resonate with them or respond to them.

Thank you for reading.