For 3 decades, I knew who I was – a Mormon. Then I left the church.

For two years after that, I knew who I was – an ex-Mormon. I tried as many new things as I could, a process that is still on-going. Then I got tired of defining myself in terms of what I’m not, and realized there is more to try than I could ever hope to experience in a million lifetimes.

Now, there are infinite possibilities, and sometimes that is freeing and sometimes it’s terrifying. There is literally more data to consider, more experiences to have, than could fit even if I did get to live forever like in Mormonism. It’s like “reading the internet” and trying to get to the end – there is no end. It’s so much easier to define myself as an ex-something than to figure out who/what I am, what I want. There will be things I fail to consider, and I have to be okay with that as part of being mortal, human, flawed-but-good. This is just the next step, I guess.

Who the fuck AM I? And will I ever grow up? And what does that mean? And do I want to? Maybe there is just the moment-to-moment decisions, maybe there is no “true self”. But that concept of a “true self” seems important to me – it seems important to at least be more than random choices determined by my genetics and past experiences.

I’m taking the long road. All around me are younger people with families and advanced degrees, and sometimes I wish I had 100% of one bachelors degree instead of 95% of two. I relate all too much to this video.

I have to be okay with my (unique) timetable, because it’s mine. I’m not gonna be anyone else. I can’t progress until I make peace with where I’m at. I can accept even this.