I know why I’m so fiercely independent right now. I DONT KNOW if I can get to the point where I more or less function "good enough" (needs to be defined ofc) to be a "real adult" without supervision (also needs a definition).

I’ve always had help. This is the first time I can see what I’m like without it, and figure out if I can do life on my own, or if I need help/coddling/whatever. I’ve never gotten a baseline reading before because there were always people helping me, and I accepted / craved help.

I don’t know yet at a fundamental level if I can live/function/survive on my own.

I don’t want my "disability" (ADHD) to dictate my life any more than necessary. I WANT to be able to do it on my own, and if i can’t, then I hope I will be able to accept it gracefully.

I am stubborn AF and I want to be able to do the shit I want to be able to do, without supervision. It’s devastating to think I might always be dependent on others.

Everyone else who has helped me has left me, or I them. I grew up and left home, roommates and lovers and friends come and go. Past significant others have gotten tired of "parenting" me, and for good reason. It’s my responsibility, not anyone else’s.

There have been too many times where where what I didn’t know, and what I didn’t even think to ask, has bit me in the ass. You don’t know what you don’t know. Maybe with enough ass-bites over time, I won’t be blindsided as much.

I can’t and don’t want to rely on others. I want to BE ABLE to rely on myself.

However, I should add the caveat that there are certain things where outside-the-box solutions may be needed, where my natural ability may just never get where I want, and that’s okay too. An (older) family member is like me, and got two years behind on their taxes, and finally found someone who could help finish them (another family member). This person also keeps their house clean for business purposes by hiring a cleaner. I finally forced myself to go to the post office to pick up important tax papers by asking someone else to go with me and force me to go. Asking for help, once the baseline has been established, can be a legit way to go too.