I recently experienced a personal loss that has left me grieving and in pain for several weeks now. These kinds of experiences always really throw me for a loop. Though these experiences are universal human experiences, in my case, I suspect ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria make it worse.

I think I love deeply, and I think I feel pain equally deeply when love ends, and I think I must’ve really loved this person, given how much pain I’ve been feeling. To me, the pain says “I love(d)”.

In the old days they really knew how to mourn – they’d do the whole “sackcloth and ashes” thing. They’d weep and wail and gnash their teeth. They’d let that shit out and really process it. When, in modern society, do we do the same? We don’t – we go home from the funeral, cry a little, and are back at work the next day, attempting to push through it, hiding it like our grief is something to be ashamed of. I think it’s foolish to think we’re smarter or more evolved than they were. Our technology cannot save us here.

My version of “sackcloth and ashes” involves piled-up dishes and trash, canned food and takeout, long stretches of meditation or “staring at the wall” and listening to lots and lots of music. I haven’t participated much in social events, social media, or instant messaging, but I have smoked a lot of weed and played a lot of video games.

I’m trying to accept being sad as just a part of the human existence. Not something to be avoided, not something that can or should be avoided. Spending time being sad is just as normal and important as spending time being happy. I don’t think we’re well-equipped to deal with it in our modern society, not to mention Mormonism.

It’s funny that our immediate reaction to someone being sad is “I’m sorry”, and all-too-often, we give well-meaning but misguided advice on how to “get over it” and “get back to life” – but it’s just as much a part of life as being happy is! This is also “real life” – why is there such a need to “get back to” something else? Why can’t we just allow each other to be sad?

When I’m sad or in pain, I think deep thoughts and read self-help books and re-evaluate my life and look for ways to make my life better. I hold my loved ones closer and cherish them more. In short, I only really put work into growing when I’m in pain – when everything’s great, I’m too busy having fun and the self-help books I desperately bought while in pain gather dust on the shelf.

As the old saying goes, “people don’t change when they’re comfortable.” What kind of growth am I headed for? Without pain, would I have even asked the question?